It’s a journey!
I have been in a home school tailspin the last 2 weeks. There are days you feel like you are not moving forward, like you are standing still, repeating yourself over and over again. I loose a little focus, combat thoughts of irreversibly screwing my kids up, and wonder if I am giving them enough food for thought. This is a VERY common phenomenon among homeschooling moms. I steered clear of this my first year, but mid way through my second I have walked headlong into the “swamp of despond”. I used to hear Mom’s who homeschool say this, and wonder about it. From my take, their kids were great, well adjusted, and well rounded, from their take, they were missing the mark.
Little clue phone about me. I like doing things “right” and I like it even better when I do them well. So lately I’ve been hearing the Holy Spirit knock on my heart about this whole homeschool thing. Would I be willing to lay it down, if He said so. What? That was a something shocking for me to hear. Then over the past few weeks, God has been reminding me that this is his journey with the kids that is a gift to me. NOT something that I can “hit out of the park” so to speak.
I get to be a part of watching them unfold before him, I get to pray into it, I get to let them make mistakes, and learn how to be okay with things not being perfect. I get to listen to the Father every day, and follow his lead, not my plan for them. I let go of having a clean house years ago, marriage and kids forced me to do that, but now I am letting go of having perfect kids, and the reality is, there is NO perfect homeschool.
Ahh, yes I said, I am not perfect, they are not perfect, my lesson plans are not perfect. I have loud kids and my boys are ALL boys. They climb, they wrestle and punch. I have no yard for them to go dig, we don’t live on a farm, so the hours of day that are not filled with school time, are filled with me working on how to engage them without having a farm to do it in. Most days I fail miserably at it. A girl can only drive around so much taking her kids to a park to play. I am tired of the pressure I put on myself for how my kids, especially my youngest should act. It is hard being the youngest in every situation he is ever in. Church, family life, school etc. The further I go down this home school path, I realize it is so much more about me than it is about them. If I am willing to be stretched and change and trust God in this whole process, then we all will be better for it on the other side.
I am re-reading my homeschool philosophy and letting God speak to me in those places I want to control. Ouch! I am letting go, I am giving myself grace, I am loving my kids right where they are, and I am trusting that God has my back.
Grace and Peace to all Homeschool Mom’s today.
Big deep stuff, girl. So good to stay flexible to God’s plan…and kudos for being so open about your process…always…You are such a good mom and you love your kids so much. God will continue to give you the rest…much love!
Comment by Emily C — December 1, 2008 @ 4:16 pm
Although I’m not a homeschool mom (since I just have one toddler at this point) I still relate to this post. I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself as a mom which is probably unnecessary.
Wherever this journey takes you and your family, as long as that journey is a responsiveness to His voice, I know it will be good.
Just wanted to say I really respect you and appreciate your blog as a diary of motherhood. Keep on truckin’!
Comment by Sarah — December 2, 2008 @ 1:19 am
This is so hard. When we start off with big dreams and ideas and it starts to not look like that perfect image. And that desire for your kids to have a certain kind of childhood. Like you said - resting in that they are on their journey. And none of it is going to be perfect - none of it. It is a dying to oneself and an embracing a much bigger, more beautiful plan - albeit one we cant see. Trusting the Artist. I hear you!
Comment by nicki mcg — December 2, 2008 @ 2:26 pm
Thanks all for your comments. I really appreciate the understanding and encouragment. It is a challenging transition going form “micro manage” early childhood, to “you better stop micro managing all the time or you will be sorry” childhood stage. I am constantly learning how to stay flexible in His hands. I just want to bare down and do it my way all the time.
There is something that has gone a bit amiss in the last little bit of time, where I started getting my self worth from places other than Him….like my kids and how well we all are doing school wise etc. Wow that is a load of junk for sure. I have not been connected to other homeschoolers this year for some reason, so I have lost a bit of my feeling of being in a “pack” and “not alone” in this thing.
Many people have asked what my plans are for later years, 5 bagillion others have said more than once “I don’t know how you do it?” and I have let that come in and start to mess with my head a bit. Man, maybe they are right, “How do I do it?”. I say it all the time, but comparison is a bad deal, and I fell into it in the past month. So, I am pulling myself back out, starting term 2 and thanking God that I get to do this.
There is no perfect path for your child’s education, just constant listening and partnering with the Father every step of they way. Right now we are going down the homeschool road. I just keep praying that God will give me the grace and courage to follow Him, even when I am scared I am doing it wrong most days of the week.
Letting go one day at a time…..
a
Comment by Amber(Homeschool Diva) — December 2, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
Amen. It’s absolutely a calling and I think when you don’t have the calling, that’s when people don’t understand. You have an amazing gift and calling to do what you are doing. And you are in tune enough with the spirit, I believe, to know when that covering is lifted. Press on my sister…xoxo
Comment by Emily C — December 2, 2008 @ 3:07 pm
I agree with Em. You are truly gifted and have a wonderful way with kids. Your’s are very blessed.
Comment by Kim — December 2, 2008 @ 4:04 pm